It's
been a year since God called you home Mom
I still remember hearing the telephone
The call you never want to get
The words you never want to hear
Still rings so loudly in my ears.
I fall to the floor and crawl up in a ball
A pain pierces through my core
A primal scream rises from deep inside my being
Perhaps I'm only dreaming? Was the phone really ringing?
And then I know… and my tears begin to flow…like a river from my soul
And the grief rocks my world out of control
God please…tell me this isn't so!
I wanted to be there…to comfort and hold you
But you left this world, in a room all alone and you journeyed Home
Were you frightened? Were you lonely?
I can't help feeling like I failed you Mom…on your own…in that room all
alone.
And the grief tears at my heart
Your time to depart came while I slept…thousands of miles away…on an island
in the sea
And I wonder Mom…did you call out for me?
And I cry…a river flows from my eyes.
WAIT MOM…please don't go! I need to know…
Did I tell you what a privilege it has been to be your daughter?
If I didn't…I think now I ought to...It has been an honor to be your daughter.
On your journey Home…I wonder…
Did you see your brothers, Father and your Mother?
Did they help you to cross over…were they waiting there to meet you…to
welcome and greet you?
No one knows the pain I carry deep down inside,
A part of me left that day when you died…and I cried and cried and cried.
You went on ahead of us to prepare a special place
When God called you Home you passed over with grace.
I think of you everyday Mom…and wonder…do you think of me too?
I whisper Good night at the end of my day
And wonder…do you hear the things that I say?
I miss you so much and I wonder…do you miss me too?
I see you in butterflies passing by
In the color purple…as the sun sets in the Hawaiian sky
I see a rainbow and think of you…and I wonder … Mom, do you think of me
too?
And I wonder why we never got to say good bye
And the tears flow like a river from my soul.
I long to see you Mom
To hold your hand…to be with you
To touch your cheek…to talk to you
To laugh with you and take long walks with you.
I watched you struggle to find misplaced things…
your glasses, purse, your keys, and rings
You missed appointments and forgot how to write out checks,
And I can't help but wonder… what's coming next?
Our birthdays fade from your memory…Christmas cards lay unsent,
You no longer call us by our names, but we always knew who you meant
The deepest pain yet…is when you no longer recognize your children…
Oh God this is just too much to accept!
How could this be…my mother… not know ME?
I hate this horrible, tormenting, Alzheimer's disease!
Can't someone STOP it, PLEASE?
My heart aches for you Mom and there is nothing I can do…except to LOVE
you through it all…
Through all the madness and the sadness, through all your fears and the
tears
And I crawl up in a ball and cry…the tears flow like a river from my soul
And the cruelty of it all rocks my world out of control.
I would wipe away your tears and take away all your fears Mom
I'd protect you from the sadness and all this crazy madness
I'd replace them with joy, happy times and gladness
If I could…I would turn back time…back to the days when you were fine.
Alzheimer's took so much from you…more than just your memories
But it could never take your beautiful soul
The brain fades away…but the heart remembers …and that's where we remain
eternally
connected…forever in love's embers.
I'm grateful you no longer have to deal with "That Place"
The strange faces, frustration, confusion, and fear
You're safe now Mom…but we miss you here.
You gave me Love …you gave me Life
You were always there by my side
The cord that connects one life to another can not be severed by your passing
over
Your light shines forever Mom
And inside of us a part of you lives on
In our memories, in our hearts, and in our soul's songs.
I miss you every day Mom…and will love you forever
I hope that in our life together I conveyed my appreciation, love and devotion
In an endless ocean…ours hearts dance across the sea
and a part of you flows forever inside of me.
The wind beneath our wings…may your beautiful spirit soar
You are our guardian angel…now and forever more.
As I sit here and write, one year, one week, and one day has passed Mom
since
you journeyed to the Light.
And though I miss you terribly, I think I finally see…that your love hasn't
really gone…
Life has merely changed form… from what it used to be.
Your Light and Love will continue to guide me on my way
and I look forward to seeing you again some day.
Aloha Mom…until we meet again…
I'll love you forever… My beautiful friend.
Shirley Tanzella (c)
July 2000
As the first anniversary of my Mother's death approached I found myself feeling very sad and emotional. One night as I was driving home from work, words came flooding in to my head. I felt compelled to write them down…I struggled to find a piece of paper…but the words were many and coming quickly so I pulled the car over and began writing on the side of the road. Over the next week the words continued to "flood in". One night I had to get out of bed to write because my mind would not quiet down. There was a "force" moving through me guiding me to write. The above is the result of my experience.
Shirley & Martha
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